Be Excellent to Each Other, and Party On, Dudes

Shiiiiiiiit… just got back from the future… shit is looking pretty grim.

***********THE MOST SIGNIFICANT HAPPENINGS IN SKATEBOARDING FUTURE***************

2015 – The market for “Skateboards with cheesy, ‘Dungeons and Dragons’-esque, imagery” suddenly explodes, and Greg Lutzka becomes the highest paid professional skateboarder. When asked to comment on his new found wealth, he replies “www.Greglutzka.tv, www.twitter.com/GregLutzka, www.myspace.com/Lutzkaspace, www.facebook.com/GregLutzka”

2017 – In a last ditch grab for relevance, Jereme Rogers uses a connection he met through his personal motivational speaker to appear as a dead body on “CSI: Cheyenne: The Early Years”. Three “Sherm-a-holics” recognize him as “J, Casa, Nova, Uh”, and a single mother of two from Novi, Michigan mistakes him for a former classmate with “like, really obnoxious and silly tattoos”.

2022 – Skateboarders are finally eligible to receive Social Security Disability Insurance, under the category of “Mental Retardation”.

2024 – Steve Berra looks in abject horror at the army of brainless, indoor park dwelling skateboarders he has amassed, and tries to tell them to go skate “a curb, or a ditch, or anything else not created for the sole purpose of skateboarding on”. Unfortunately, he forgot that one of the premier tenets of “Berrictology” is that they must castrate Steve if he ever attempts to “abort the mission”. Steveberrarulez Berra never gets the little brother he was promised.

2029 – Due to the lack of effectiveness of skatestoppers and “No Skateboarding” signs, it becomes the norm to install Punji pits around every single piece of slightly interesting architecture. Most skateboarders are deterred, except for the suitably named Deathwish team.

2035 – Noting the existence of a boardsport for nearly every conceivable terrain (surf, concrete, snow, sand, mountain, wake, etc.), an enterprising inventor creates a board specifically designed to be ridden down the massive piles of trash that cover three-fourths of the world’s land.

2042 – Having already created robots that cook, clean, drive, fly, walk, and think for us, robotic engineers invent a robot that does all of the skateboarding, so we don’t have to.

3001 – Snakeboards finally render skateboards obsolete, hell freezes over.